What the hell happened to movie audiences?

As I was watching television the other day (as I often do) and once again had the current problems of the moviegoing public brought to my attention. It started with the Spider-Man 3 commercial. This was the film of 2007. The film EVERYONE had to see. It was being advertised everywhere, it was being jammed down our throats and the fanboys were in full force to support their webhead. (By the way, I do want to go on with a disclaimer right now and proclaim to each and every one of you that I am a massive Spider-Man fan over the age of 14 so I inherently know what I'm talking about in comparison to the majority of the audience which would be either 17 or below in age or virgins.) As I was saying, everyone wanted to see the movie, everyone except me. I had seen the trailers and after being blown away by the second film I was not in any rush to get my eyeballs in contact with this piece of celluloid trash. Why? Because of one big, black reason. Venom. I had absolutely no intention of seeing this mindless, trite anti-hero on the screen.

Before I continue I should explain my hatred of the comic book Venom. Most fanboys love Venom simply because he's an atypical slaughterhouse in a cool looking alien costume. A product of the 1980s "comic revolution". Oh what a fuckjob that was! I will defend the 1980s in nearly every argument but not in comics. Except for Batman there was not one comic series that benefitted from that "dark and gritty" time period. Even Batman had The Killing Joke which is one of the most overrated pieces of garbage I've ever read. Whooo boy Joker is a stand up comedian! What a coincidence that he becomes the "Clown Prince of Crime"!! What's next Alan Moore? Penguin as a zookeeper? Riddler as a gameshow host? Boy, I'm glad the 1960s are over because they sure helped us get over gimmicky villains. Jesus Christ. Anyway, back to Venom. This guy is essentially Wolverine but with Wolverine coming before him so its not cutting edge anymore and nobody gives a shit except pre-teens in 1993 and beyond. So I really had little interest in watching this waste of ink and paper take screen time away from the storyline that the cinematic Spider-Man is really about: Peter-MJ-Harry.

So I grudgingly go see the movie simply because I don't want to be left out of the event of the summer. After seeing the movie I have a massive revelation. I LOVED IT! Perfect summer entertainment. Not only was the character of Venom nearly off the screen the entire time but when he was on it made metaphorical sense and gave the movie a definitive theme that helped define Raimi's action. The idea of Eddie Brock as the mirror image of Peter Parker who was presented with the same oppurtunities and obstacles only to take the other choice and become the villain was a stroke of genius. The action scenes with Goblin and Spider were better than any we'd seen thus far and Thomas Haden Church brought humanity to the Sandman character that filled the void that died with Doc Ock. I expected everyone, who had been so stoked for this movie beforehand, to jizz their pants over it. Yet what happens? America shouts "APOX TO BOTH YOUR HOUSES SPIDER-MAN AND RAIMI!!" There was a total dislike for the movie and the general consesus I got from the intelligent and eloquent public was "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH VENOM WASN'T IN IT ENOUGH BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M 14 AND JERK OFF IN MY ROOM TO BARBWIRE WITH PAMELA ANDERSEN". It was an extremely intelligent analysis, believe me. But when the internet geek community is upset, they take no prisoners. Somehow Spider-Man's rating was plummeting on IMDB and as well below the geek beloved snorefest known as Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Hey the third was great and the second was decent, but no one worth their salt in movie credentials has any way to defend the first one). Now I'm not going to push Spider-Man 3 as the second coming of Citizen Kane and it's far from a perfect movie. I realize the flaws in Maguire's acting, from his emotionalizing on the bridge to his lack of specificity in his discussion with MJ. I know that there's about 4 hours of movie packed into a 2 hour frame. I know that Sandman is ripped off as far as screen time goes. And I know that there are too many villains (too hard to cut Venom out?). But those facts still in place, it's still a damn fun movie and it gives you the closure you've been waiting for since the first movie in regards to MJ and Peter and the battle with Harry and Peter. But the geeks were scorned. Their hero had been disgraced and turned into a ::gasp:: three dimensional character!!! It's rating on IMDB would pay.

Yet the most disturbing thing about this public opinion was the next time they would react to a blockbuster. I am of course talking about the piece of drivel known as Transformers. Yes, the movie that became "good popcorn entertainment" to most people and made my eyeballs bleed. Before I even talk about why I hate the movie let me list to you why its an absolute rip-off of Independence Day.

Note: Before all you sci-fi geeks email me to correct me that ID4 was just an updated War of the Worlds rip-off, I am very much aware thank you. The difference between ID4 and Transformers is that ID4 was updating a concept for a modern audience and managed to become a fun thrill ride of a summer movie while Transformers become a crime as bad as ethnic cleansing.

Stolen....errr....Similiarities Between the Two Films

-Attack from outer space.
-Three converging storylines: the millitary story, the connected civilian storyline, and the government storyline.
-The hidden base with two items: One that will help (spaceship, Allspark) and one that will hurt (aliens, Megatron). Yes I know the aliens were dead and the one that attacked them was brought by Will Smith but work with me here.
-Aliens/Robots breaking into our code.
-Connections to past events (1940s spacecraft crash, Megatron in the ice)
-Talking robots....oh I forgot, only Michael Bay was fucking stupid enough to put that idea in hs movie.

What did I hate about it? Other than the horrible acting from nearly every performer save John Turturro who has a look on his face that's basically saying "Wait, I thought this was a Coen Brothers movie", the massively overrated special effects, the lame storyline that felt as pieced together as the toy line that preceded it, the lack of fear that I ever felt from these invaders who seemed like they could barely destroy one outpost in Iraq let alone take over the world, the stupid talking robots who learned our language through XM, and the fact that somehow Shia LeBouf snagged Megan Fox, nothing, nothing at all.

The fact that this abortion of a film was able to win what I like to call the "Summer Blockbuster Race" in the opinions of America massively confuses me. This is the same audience who trashed Dead Man's Chest, claimed Shrek 2 was the greatest comedy ever, and continually goes to see Ashton Kutcher films. I honestly don't know what's next. I'm sure Indiana, Batman, or Narnia will be the best next year and some shitty ass DreamWorks CGI film will win.

Bibbity Bobbity Boston

Well it took seven years for everyone to agree with me but they finally do: America hates Boston. Jesus Christ, we've been waiting long enough for this to happen and all that had to happen was the city to virtually dominate American sports. Let's take a look.

• Football: The New England Patriot dynasty continues with the most dominant offensive team seen since the 2001 St. Louis Rams (a team which, ironically enough, lost to the Pats in the 02 Super Bowl).


• Baseball: The Boston Red Sox have won their second World Series in four seasons through a combination of, well who am I kidding, through just spending money out their ass.


• Basketball: The Boston Celtics have added Kevin Garnett to Paul Pierce and Ray Allen and look to dominate the East for the next few years.


• College FB: Boston College is sitting pretty in the number two spot with their three quarters lame duck quarterback Matt Ryan.

Now of course all the sheep are wondering how they could have been duped by this "lovable underdog" that opposed the Yankees. Didn't you invalids see this coming?!? It wasn't like New York's number one rival was Podunk, Iowa. It was fucking Boston, Massachusetts!!!! The same city that dominated the the National Basketball Association in the 50s, 60s, and 80s!!! If the Knicks were a less valuable franchise (number one in drawing power and overall worth) you could call the Celtics the Yankees of the NFL!

And of course we have the Red Sox. Don't get me started on the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the biggest fashion statement of the 21st century. Every slutty girl who doesn't know shit about baseball will manage to have a David Ortiz jersey and a fetish for Johnny Damon (unaware that he left the team in 2006). You can find these whores at bowling alleys with loud obnoxious voices and a penchant for urban slang. They know so little about baseball that their idea of a changeup is fucking their boyfriends buddy. So what else makes the Red Sox unbearable other than these idiotic bandwagon sluts that don't even watch baseball games? I'm glad you asked loyal reader. Since the late 1990s when the push for the Red Sox really began in this generation as the ultimate underdog team we were hit with the constant propaganda for how the Red Sox were the anti-Yankees. They were hard working, blue collar, humble, and tough competitors to the Yankees brash, arrogant, overpaid, jerk team. And while I, an impartial Mets fan observer watched from the sidelines, I noticed something: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE YANKEES AND THE SAWKS!!!! One team has a payroll of 200 million and the other team has a payroll of 185 million! Oh jeez America, some underdog. That fifteen million dollar difference makes Boston a regular pauper. Why not cheer a real underdog like the Colorado Rockies (pre 2007) or the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? I forgot, because America loves underdogs that can win, not real underdogs.

Now on to the biggest offenders of all, the New England Patriots. The team that captured the hearts of America in 2001-2002 after the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and beat the juggernaut known as the St. Louis Rams to win Super Bowl XXXVI. While Boston became aware of this strange sport called football (that they had been previously unaware of and now were suddenly experts on) the rest of us were shocked about how this rag tag group of idiots could continually beat more talented teams like the Raiders (as Brady was blowing the refs between plays to get that garbage tuck rule created) and the Steelers (with Belicheck impersonating Tom Landry with the QB switch and being hailed as a genius for it). Yet they would beat these more talented teams over and over and over again. For the next six years the Pats would become a modern day dynasty and bitch slap my Jets whenever they played. Yet finally in 2007 the rest of the football world finally comes to our side on the position of the Patriots an all they had to do was become the very thing they vowed to destroy, an overpaid team full of greedy superstars to do it. Oh yeah, and to cheat for who knows how long using video cameras and more of Belicheck's evil black magic.

The one final point that everyone tries to make is what a "nice" city Boston is. How hard working and genuine the people are there. Are you fuckin' kidding me? I'm a proud Irishman but that town is basically a 1950s fishing town with a bunch of gangs and racists assholes. This is the same city that loved its basketball team in the 1980s because it happened to be mostly white and a throwback to the good ole days. You know the days when blacks were no where to be found because we were in a racially segregated society. Ah nostalgia.

So America, the next time a bright eyed sports underdog walks your way and smiles that Irish smile, just turn away. The next "small team" that you need to cheer should not be led but an adultering madman, cheered by a racist subculture of drunken fisherman, or masquerading as a small town team with a 185 million dollar payroll, it should be a true underdog. Try the Arizona Cardinals.